-When something happens, I want to know why. When someone is upset at me, I want to know why. I have a hard time accepting it otherwise.
-During this battle w/my melanoma, I have learned to take things for what they are. God opened doors for me & it was my job to walk through them (w/my husband) & not ask why, just do it. Honestly, had I not been a stage IV cancer patient & had doctors turn me away, I think that blindly walking through a door, trusting that God had opened it just for me (not second guessing myself or my husband) would have been alot harder. However, being that I was in the situation I was in, no where else to turn & no idea what the next step would be, having to put 100% of my faith & trust into the doctors & surgeons, and 100% of my faith & trust in God that He had put me in that place at that time for a reason was exactly what I had to do.
-Now I find myself in that same place w/my separation from my husband. Some people have said divorce is the answer. Some people have said to just pray & wait. I found myself again w/no idea what to do next, waiting on God to open a door and push me through it, but that didn't happen immediately. I am sometimes so consumed by the grief of Hubby being gone that I can't hear God & can't tell what my next step should be & don't feel God pushing me one way or the other. Pastor Kim's amazing advice to me is this.....if you're praying & find yourself torn, can't decide which way to move, DON'T MOVE. Sit still where you are, pray, and wait. Listen for God's voice. It will come.
-So, long story short, w/regards to my cancer, I never got my understanding as to why it happened to me or why I needed to take the steps I took, but it has worked. God put everything in the right place. I'm responding VERY well to the treatments & feeling amazing everyday. W/regards to Hubby, I'm waiting & praying. Some feel that's being non-productive I'm sure, but until I feel God moving me one way or the other, I'm standing right here, doing what I feel I'm supposed to do. Some also may say that God's waiting on me to make a move, however, if I'm not sure what that move is & I make the wrong move, there will be consequences for my actions. So, for now I'm here, not necessarily understanding, but I'm waiting and when the time is right, I will move in the right direction.
Well, this was exactly what I wanted to tell you after reading your post from Saturday, but I just did not know how to say it. Since I did not know the full situation, I did not want to sway you one way or the other. Only you can make this decision on what is right for you and your family. It does not matter what we say as we do not know the whole situation. I agree with waiting until you feel it is right. But, in the mean time, take care of your self. Get yourself in the best possible position to make this decision. You already mentioned that you are doing this(going to the gym, praying, etc). Continue laughing, continuing enjoying life and your kids. Just don't sit and wait and do nothing! Seems like you have people giving you good advice. Surround yourself with these people. I miss you!
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