Christmas Eve

MERRY CHRISTMAS tomorrow! Have an amazing day w/friends & family. Throughout the day, at some point remember to stop & thank God for the Ultimate Gift, sending us His son, Jesus....the true meaning of Christmas. I'm still continuing to pray for my Christmas miracles, my complete & total healing AND that God will help my Hubby find his way home to Him & home to us. Please continue to help me pray for my health, my family, & my marriage. Love & kisses to you all! Gotta run....Mrs. Clause has work to do :)

When things look dreary and hopeless, remember that God is behind the scenes working things out for our good.

Thank you God for continuing to work on our behalf even when we don't acknowledge it or deserve it.

God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! Ephesians 3:20 (MSG)

This week I have found myself limiting God. While getting the house ready for the holidays and buying family Christmas presents, I have really been missing my husband this week (not the way he is, but the husband he is going to be). How have I been limiting God? I've been praying, asking God to fix my marriage, but then I've been adding in ways that I think He could do it, or giving Him some ideas. Sounds SO silly doesn't it!? God can build a universe, bring people back from the dead, and even cure cancer....but I have some suggestions for him regarding how He could reach my husband a little better. Afterall, I've been w/my husband for 20 years and I should know, right? WRONG! When I write it down or say it out loud it sounds so silly.

Ephesians 3:20 says that my God can do anything far more than I can imagine or request beyond my wildest dreams. So why am I trying to help Him fix my situation when he can do for me beyond my wildest dreams!? Who do I think I am?

Right now I'm laying it all down and giving it to God. He can deal w/my situation however He wants to. I'm sure it will be done in a way that I could never imagine. Even though I want it done yesterday, I am looking forward to sitting back and watching God work it out for us His way!

Quit reasoning & start believing. With God 2+2 doesn't always = 4. He has more in store for us than we can think or imagine. You are Blessed!

-When something happens, I want to know why. When someone is upset at me, I want to know why. I have a hard time accepting it otherwise.

-During this battle w/my melanoma, I have learned to take things for what they are. God opened doors for me & it was my job to walk through them (w/my husband) & not ask why, just do it. Honestly, had I not been a stage IV cancer patient & had doctors turn me away, I think that blindly walking through a door, trusting that God had opened it just for me (not second guessing myself or my husband) would have been alot harder. However, being that I was in the situation I was in, no where else to turn & no idea what the next step would be, having to put 100% of my faith & trust into the doctors & surgeons, and 100% of my faith & trust in God that He had put me in that place at that time for a reason was exactly what I had to do.

-Now I find myself in that same place w/my separation from my husband. Some people have said divorce is the answer. Some people have said to just pray & wait. I found myself again w/no idea what to do next, waiting on God to open a door and push me through it, but that didn't happen immediately. I am sometimes so consumed by the grief of Hubby being gone that I can't hear God & can't tell what my next step should be & don't feel God pushing me one way or the other. Pastor Kim's amazing advice to me is this.....if you're praying & find yourself torn, can't decide which way to move, DON'T MOVE. Sit still where you are, pray, and wait. Listen for God's voice. It will come.

-So, long story short, w/regards to my cancer, I never got my understanding as to why it happened to me or why I needed to take the steps I took, but it has worked. God put everything in the right place. I'm responding VERY well to the treatments & feeling amazing everyday. W/regards to Hubby, I'm waiting & praying. Some feel that's being non-productive I'm sure, but until I feel God moving me one way or the other, I'm standing right here, doing what I feel I'm supposed to do. Some also may say that God's waiting on me to make a move, however, if I'm not sure what that move is & I make the wrong move, there will be consequences for my actions. So, for now I'm here, not necessarily understanding, but I'm waiting and when the time is right, I will move in the right direction.

Unconditional Love

--There are many forms/kinds of unconditional love. There's the love of our Heavenly Father, for which I thank Him for everyday & night; there's the love of a parent towards their child; & then there's the love from/for a true best friend for those of us who have been lucky enough to enjoy it.

--As a parent w/unconditional love for my children, I ask you...is there anything more precious than having your sweet angels take Christmas pictures? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I LOVE to take pictures but my children pick that day to grow little horns & show sides I've never seen before! They usually spend almost the entire time throwing punches, slapping at each other, pushing each other, etc. I chose an outdoor setting this year & someone was constantly being knocked off of a huge river rock or pushed into a tree. My best friend brought her kids for me to photograph that day also & by the end of our picture day, our angels had grass stains on their clothes, dirt on their faces/hands, & sticks/leaves in their hair. Unconditional love is the correct term b/c no one else but their Mama would've loved those kids after the heck they put us through.

--Then there's our best friends & the unconditional love that comes w/that. Who else can you cry w/, laugh w/, share a dressing room w/(& not think twice), laugh so hard that food comes out of your nose w/, basically feel like a kid again w/, etc. My bestie and I ventured out to the scary, less traveled territory of late-night Walmart this evening to print Christmas cards, using the pictures that I took of my angels & hers at our wonderful outdoor photo shoot the other week. We sat at the picture machine & laughed continuously for about 2 hours (no lie) making those cards, putting our kids' pictures in different scenarios, deciding whether to be comical, religious, angelic, etc. I voted for a religious card that said Peace On Earth & inserted pictures of my kids slapping each other & sticking out their tongues. Wisely, I was over-ruled. After we just couldn't laugh anymore (& the people were looking more sketchy the later it got) we made our decisions, only to be told by the girl in the photo dept that they quit printing cards an hour before. Had we been behaving ourselves, we could've walked out of there w/our cards in hand. But the laughs were well worth it & we will laugh about some of those cards we were playing around w/& some of the people we saw for years to come! The nice girl at the photo counter said they will print our cards 1st thing in the morning & we'll stop by to get them after church.

--Ahhhhhhh...unconditional love. Isn't it a wonderful thing?

Hope

Why do we put our hope in people when they continuously let us down? You would think I had figured that out by now, but I haven't. I'm such an optimist. My logic (& my best friend says my logic is crazy & gets me in trouble), but my logic tells me that generally people are good & if we treat them good and right, we will get that in return. But that's not always the case is it? However, I will not make myself be a negative person w/a heardened heart. God has really helped me in that area.

In regards to my husband, my new job is to stop putting my hope in him. I don't want him putting hope in me either right now. We need to put our hope in God. Do I want my marriage to work out? Of course I do! We have kids that are depending on us to figure this out.

My new goal is to stop letting my struggling marriage consume me. My hope is in God, that He will restore our marriage, trying to have a little faith here. There will always be a place in my life for Hubby. But, for now, I'm moving forward, rediscovering myself, getting myself into shape at the gym, tackling small household projects w/the kids, enjoying time w/friends, having stupid fun, turning up the Christmas songs in the car w/my best friend & singing at the top of our lungs, which the kids just love, NOT.

Let me just say this...moving forward, cutting my losses, letting Hubby go his way and me go mine isn't the right thing to do FOR ME and isn't what I want. Initially that would be SO hard, but then it would get easier. God doesn't want me to do that. W/in the last month God has shown me that He wants me to put my hope in Him and stand in the gap for my marriage w/prayer and fasting. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Some days I want to give up, but God gives me a word, shows me something through my children, or does something else to remind me that right now, standing is my job.

Sigh......

Today was a work in the house day. I stayed in my jammies until 5, but got ALOT done. I'm getting ready to paint the kids' rooms, so I was filling in holes and sanding for a good part of the day. However, even though this is the first step, when I walk in the rooms I feel a sense of accomplishment. THEN, there's the bedroom furniture that I had to pull out into the kitchen. That's a reminder of how much is left to do and another reminder of how quickly I need to do it. LOL.

I spent my afternoon/evening at a friend's house talking and receiving wonderful advice. God Bless You my friends. You know who you are. I will gladly share this advice with the world once Hubby is home and I write my book. I will certainly be putting it in my book and giving my friends ALL the credit for it.

Time got away from me, as it does for many of us when we are having a good time, engaged in wonderful conversation. As I was leaving my friend's house I called Hubby and he didn't answer, which isn't unusual. I also called my kids and they didn't answer. My best guess is that were already in the bed. I must say, my heart sank a little bit. I know it's probably not nearly as big a deal to the kids, but for me, it's a huge deal. I ALWAYS tell them goodnight and that I love them and remind them to say their prayers. Those kids make my heart beat. It's nights like this that I miss them the most; when I'm having trouble sleeping and they are w/their father.

I pray that God brings my husband home to Him and home to me sooner rather than later. Sigh.........